God's provision

I know, it's been a few days since my last post. No, nothing wrong, just a busy couple of days. Busy with activities and busy in my head.

God has been at work in my heart and in my life- praise him for how wonderfully thoughtful and providing he is. As I had written earlier, the struggle with food and sex have been more than just a distraction. They have been destructive attempts of the evil one to shatter my faith and hope in God's provision, love, and best interest of me. A God as loving and merciful as ours does not give us boundaries to keep us out, but keep us in his Grace and Love.

The struggle of having faith in God's provision is affecting my ability to set and maintain the boundaries he has given me to reconcile an old relationship. After having the opportunity to reconcile with this loved one, I then wanted to hold on for all it was worth and not let go of him...emotionally and physically. The desire to pursue ultimate intimacy with him was becoming more of a driving force than I care to let on and it was wrecking havoc on my soul- I found myself spiritually exhausted. God will provide that ultimate intimacy when he sees it is time. He has provided all along, he is not going to hand me back this gift and then say "No, you can never open it...just look at it and wish you could open it". He is saying "Here it is...all that I promised you for a Godly marriage. And when it is time, we will all open it together and rejoice in this beautiful gift I have given the two of you". Is it any suprise to anyone that I am such a control freak at times that I have an extensive history of spoiling suprises for myself? I do not want to repeat that pattern with this gift. I want to wait on the Lord and receive the gift in all of it's splendor. I do not want to ruin the sacredness or beauty of it just because I am impatient and can't take the wait!

So it is with food. I worry that I will go hungry. Now, to some, this is a legitimate concern, a daily worry and serious epidemic in our world. I am not one of those people affected. First, consider this; I weigh more than 275lbs. Second, I have food in my cupboard, fridge, table, counter top, and even in my car. Third, I would continue to have some sort of food to eat even if I did not go to the store for probably 3-4 weeks; not complete meals, but food of some kind that was not spoiled or expired. Fourth, when I do run out of food, I have the means to go out and get more because I have a job that provides me with an income that more than sustains me. Fifth, even if I did not have a job, I live in a country where I would be eligible for public aid and where we have grocery stores that accept this form of payment. Six, this is not counting the resources I would have through family and friends to help feed me should the need arise. Anyone else seeing a pattern? I am so extremely blessed!!! Yet, I mistake these blessings for being just living an ordinary life and this is what life is. It's food in the cupboard, a way to put food in cupboard, and having resources to get food even if I do not have the means myself. Talk about needing to re-train my brain!!!

God's provision is awesome. I had an experience of his provision this morning. Visiting my sisters in Minnesota over the weekends means that I miss going to church. I have attempted her church, however, it is not my cup of tea. This weekend, I decided to try a different church that they had both spoke of visiting. At first, I was a little suprised at how exhuberant the congregation were praising the Lord with hands held high, dancing in the pews, and rocking to the worship band (I did think to myself "I wonder how many cups of coffee it takes for everyone to get so jazzed this early in the day?"). Then the pastor started to speak. It was going to be his last sermon to give as associate pastor and he had spent the week thinking about what he was going to talk about. He took us to Revelation 3:14-22. After showing us the scripture, God opened his heart and the Pastor shared a bit of his story. After being divorced for two years, he and his wife reconciled and got remarried. My heart starting crying out to God thanking him for this man, this church, and this sermon. God saw what I needed and provided. Amazing. I spoke to the pastor and his wife after the service and shared with them my story.

Thank you God for your love, mercy and compassion showing through this beautiful couple and their story. Thank you God for providing a resource to perhaps walk through this with us as we continue on our journey of reconciling. I pray that what ever purpose you have for connecting us is fulfilled Lord and that you would use this connection for your glory. Lord thank you for your hope, promises, and faith to us. I love you and pray that I honor you in my choices as I continue on this journey. Thank you Lord, in Jesus name, Amen.