Well the feeling of frustration and stress finally subsided on Friday afternoon thanks to a very loving man who knows me well enough to know that flowers and tickle scratches heal all frustration and stress. Thank you love.
3-6. Two little numbers that seem to be representing more than I ever thought they would. Surely by this time, it is of no suprise to anyone that I am struggling with food. My eating habits have been horrendous and I find the enemy being invited into my mind every time I turn around and hear a knock. It's as if I'm so afraid of being alone that I would rather have him in my head.
36 and no children. No family. That is, no legal, "This is the ______ family" message on my answering machine. 36 sitting on the worlds biggest pity pot. Maybe I'll come back to this later, right now, my head is stumped and I'm feeling very discombobulated.
Prayers.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
Cry out
I find myself at the end of a very busy week stressed and looking forward to normalcy. Of course I realize that normal is only a city in Illinois, but I am looking forward to my sense of normalcy. A week with no time off if you can believe it.
I have a deep appreciation for routine, schedules, and stability. Growing up in an environment where moods changed with the blink of an eye, I grew to dislike and learned to avoid changes. That is obviously a very silly attempt on my part since change is inevitable and a part of life whether we choose it or not. Accepting change seems to go against my nature none-the-less and I find myself stressed and frustrated over things I can not change this morning.
I can feel the tension in my neck start to build like an icy-pop starting to freeze in it's little tube. The blood is getting slushed up and I can feel it getting tighter and tighter as it pumps through the blood vessels running up the back right side of my brain. Dry tears are pushing at the corners of my eyes with no sense of relief in sight, just the annoying toddler feeling of wanting to stomp my feet and pull my hair creeping up. I envision myself having a good old fit on the floor pretty soon. But the floor is dirty and that is a whole other story. Oh, and did I mention that I am PMS'ing? Fun!
Time to give it to God. Because if I don't, I will carry it with me through the day. And God's light can shine through if I'm fogging up the windows with my bad attitude.
God, you know that your name is my "Abba". You God are my dad, not just in heaven, but here with me as well. God I need your arms around me this morning. I'm tired, frustrated, irritable, stressed and worried about things that I have very little control over. Okay, being honest, I have no control over them. But I do get to control myself. I do get to control what I can. Lord, if this sense of needing to cry is of you, I pray that you allow the tears to flow so I might have some relief. Give me peace and hope Lord as I go through my day and provide for me what I need, emotionally. In Jesus name, Amen.
I have a deep appreciation for routine, schedules, and stability. Growing up in an environment where moods changed with the blink of an eye, I grew to dislike and learned to avoid changes. That is obviously a very silly attempt on my part since change is inevitable and a part of life whether we choose it or not. Accepting change seems to go against my nature none-the-less and I find myself stressed and frustrated over things I can not change this morning.
I can feel the tension in my neck start to build like an icy-pop starting to freeze in it's little tube. The blood is getting slushed up and I can feel it getting tighter and tighter as it pumps through the blood vessels running up the back right side of my brain. Dry tears are pushing at the corners of my eyes with no sense of relief in sight, just the annoying toddler feeling of wanting to stomp my feet and pull my hair creeping up. I envision myself having a good old fit on the floor pretty soon. But the floor is dirty and that is a whole other story. Oh, and did I mention that I am PMS'ing? Fun!
Time to give it to God. Because if I don't, I will carry it with me through the day. And God's light can shine through if I'm fogging up the windows with my bad attitude.
God, you know that your name is my "Abba". You God are my dad, not just in heaven, but here with me as well. God I need your arms around me this morning. I'm tired, frustrated, irritable, stressed and worried about things that I have very little control over. Okay, being honest, I have no control over them. But I do get to control myself. I do get to control what I can. Lord, if this sense of needing to cry is of you, I pray that you allow the tears to flow so I might have some relief. Give me peace and hope Lord as I go through my day and provide for me what I need, emotionally. In Jesus name, Amen.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
God's provision
I know, it's been a few days since my last post. No, nothing wrong, just a busy couple of days. Busy with activities and busy in my head.
God has been at work in my heart and in my life- praise him for how wonderfully thoughtful and providing he is. As I had written earlier, the struggle with food and sex have been more than just a distraction. They have been destructive attempts of the evil one to shatter my faith and hope in God's provision, love, and best interest of me. A God as loving and merciful as ours does not give us boundaries to keep us out, but keep us in his Grace and Love.
The struggle of having faith in God's provision is affecting my ability to set and maintain the boundaries he has given me to reconcile an old relationship. After having the opportunity to reconcile with this loved one, I then wanted to hold on for all it was worth and not let go of him...emotionally and physically. The desire to pursue ultimate intimacy with him was becoming more of a driving force than I care to let on and it was wrecking havoc on my soul- I found myself spiritually exhausted. God will provide that ultimate intimacy when he sees it is time. He has provided all along, he is not going to hand me back this gift and then say "No, you can never open it...just look at it and wish you could open it". He is saying "Here it is...all that I promised you for a Godly marriage. And when it is time, we will all open it together and rejoice in this beautiful gift I have given the two of you". Is it any suprise to anyone that I am such a control freak at times that I have an extensive history of spoiling suprises for myself? I do not want to repeat that pattern with this gift. I want to wait on the Lord and receive the gift in all of it's splendor. I do not want to ruin the sacredness or beauty of it just because I am impatient and can't take the wait!
So it is with food. I worry that I will go hungry. Now, to some, this is a legitimate concern, a daily worry and serious epidemic in our world. I am not one of those people affected. First, consider this; I weigh more than 275lbs. Second, I have food in my cupboard, fridge, table, counter top, and even in my car. Third, I would continue to have some sort of food to eat even if I did not go to the store for probably 3-4 weeks; not complete meals, but food of some kind that was not spoiled or expired. Fourth, when I do run out of food, I have the means to go out and get more because I have a job that provides me with an income that more than sustains me. Fifth, even if I did not have a job, I live in a country where I would be eligible for public aid and where we have grocery stores that accept this form of payment. Six, this is not counting the resources I would have through family and friends to help feed me should the need arise. Anyone else seeing a pattern? I am so extremely blessed!!! Yet, I mistake these blessings for being just living an ordinary life and this is what life is. It's food in the cupboard, a way to put food in cupboard, and having resources to get food even if I do not have the means myself. Talk about needing to re-train my brain!!!
God's provision is awesome. I had an experience of his provision this morning. Visiting my sisters in Minnesota over the weekends means that I miss going to church. I have attempted her church, however, it is not my cup of tea. This weekend, I decided to try a different church that they had both spoke of visiting. At first, I was a little suprised at how exhuberant the congregation were praising the Lord with hands held high, dancing in the pews, and rocking to the worship band (I did think to myself "I wonder how many cups of coffee it takes for everyone to get so jazzed this early in the day?"). Then the pastor started to speak. It was going to be his last sermon to give as associate pastor and he had spent the week thinking about what he was going to talk about. He took us to Revelation 3:14-22. After showing us the scripture, God opened his heart and the Pastor shared a bit of his story. After being divorced for two years, he and his wife reconciled and got remarried. My heart starting crying out to God thanking him for this man, this church, and this sermon. God saw what I needed and provided. Amazing. I spoke to the pastor and his wife after the service and shared with them my story.
Thank you God for your love, mercy and compassion showing through this beautiful couple and their story. Thank you God for providing a resource to perhaps walk through this with us as we continue on our journey of reconciling. I pray that what ever purpose you have for connecting us is fulfilled Lord and that you would use this connection for your glory. Lord thank you for your hope, promises, and faith to us. I love you and pray that I honor you in my choices as I continue on this journey. Thank you Lord, in Jesus name, Amen.
God has been at work in my heart and in my life- praise him for how wonderfully thoughtful and providing he is. As I had written earlier, the struggle with food and sex have been more than just a distraction. They have been destructive attempts of the evil one to shatter my faith and hope in God's provision, love, and best interest of me. A God as loving and merciful as ours does not give us boundaries to keep us out, but keep us in his Grace and Love.
The struggle of having faith in God's provision is affecting my ability to set and maintain the boundaries he has given me to reconcile an old relationship. After having the opportunity to reconcile with this loved one, I then wanted to hold on for all it was worth and not let go of him...emotionally and physically. The desire to pursue ultimate intimacy with him was becoming more of a driving force than I care to let on and it was wrecking havoc on my soul- I found myself spiritually exhausted. God will provide that ultimate intimacy when he sees it is time. He has provided all along, he is not going to hand me back this gift and then say "No, you can never open it...just look at it and wish you could open it". He is saying "Here it is...all that I promised you for a Godly marriage. And when it is time, we will all open it together and rejoice in this beautiful gift I have given the two of you". Is it any suprise to anyone that I am such a control freak at times that I have an extensive history of spoiling suprises for myself? I do not want to repeat that pattern with this gift. I want to wait on the Lord and receive the gift in all of it's splendor. I do not want to ruin the sacredness or beauty of it just because I am impatient and can't take the wait!
So it is with food. I worry that I will go hungry. Now, to some, this is a legitimate concern, a daily worry and serious epidemic in our world. I am not one of those people affected. First, consider this; I weigh more than 275lbs. Second, I have food in my cupboard, fridge, table, counter top, and even in my car. Third, I would continue to have some sort of food to eat even if I did not go to the store for probably 3-4 weeks; not complete meals, but food of some kind that was not spoiled or expired. Fourth, when I do run out of food, I have the means to go out and get more because I have a job that provides me with an income that more than sustains me. Fifth, even if I did not have a job, I live in a country where I would be eligible for public aid and where we have grocery stores that accept this form of payment. Six, this is not counting the resources I would have through family and friends to help feed me should the need arise. Anyone else seeing a pattern? I am so extremely blessed!!! Yet, I mistake these blessings for being just living an ordinary life and this is what life is. It's food in the cupboard, a way to put food in cupboard, and having resources to get food even if I do not have the means myself. Talk about needing to re-train my brain!!!
God's provision is awesome. I had an experience of his provision this morning. Visiting my sisters in Minnesota over the weekends means that I miss going to church. I have attempted her church, however, it is not my cup of tea. This weekend, I decided to try a different church that they had both spoke of visiting. At first, I was a little suprised at how exhuberant the congregation were praising the Lord with hands held high, dancing in the pews, and rocking to the worship band (I did think to myself "I wonder how many cups of coffee it takes for everyone to get so jazzed this early in the day?"). Then the pastor started to speak. It was going to be his last sermon to give as associate pastor and he had spent the week thinking about what he was going to talk about. He took us to Revelation 3:14-22. After showing us the scripture, God opened his heart and the Pastor shared a bit of his story. After being divorced for two years, he and his wife reconciled and got remarried. My heart starting crying out to God thanking him for this man, this church, and this sermon. God saw what I needed and provided. Amazing. I spoke to the pastor and his wife after the service and shared with them my story.
Thank you God for your love, mercy and compassion showing through this beautiful couple and their story. Thank you God for providing a resource to perhaps walk through this with us as we continue on our journey of reconciling. I pray that what ever purpose you have for connecting us is fulfilled Lord and that you would use this connection for your glory. Lord thank you for your hope, promises, and faith to us. I love you and pray that I honor you in my choices as I continue on this journey. Thank you Lord, in Jesus name, Amen.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
forgiveness- day 11
Where do I even begin...The enemy is on the attack searching for cracks in my wall and seeping his poisonous lies into my mind. Lies of shame, guilt, and unworthiness. Lies meant to breed doubt, isolation, and a disconnect from God. At first I really thought it was my cold, then my lack of energy from the cold, then my weariness of getting over the cold. Now I realize that the real culprit was me forgetting who my God is and what His love does for me.
By the end of Sunday night, I had mostly given up my resolve to "re-train my brain". After I posted, I ate some ice cream and went to bed. Monday I ate more than necessary at a pizza buffet, that night, I needlessly ate more food an hour after eating dinner. Tuesday, I partook in fried appetizers and an unhealthy pizza (oh yeah, that was after chineese for lunch). Today wasn't bad until tonight, then it was a KFC chicken snacker, sprite, baggie of chex mix, 1/3 slab of bbq ribs, beans, coleslaw, cornbread (all in less than a two hour time frame). I'm feeling disconnected from God and it's not all about food.
I was asked today if I had forgiven someone for something they did more than 8 years ago. No, I had not; then again, I had not forgiven myself for the choices I made in this situation either. Wow...enlightening to say the least. So what does it look like to forgive myself this "sin"? I don't know. I know every time I look back at it I am reminded of how stupid I was to allow myself to make the choice I did. I reminded of how weak I was to stand up for something I thought was important to me. That got me to thinking about every other time I chose to not stand up for what I thought was important to me, being frozen by fear that I might piss someone off or rock the boat. Pathetic. How do you forgive yourself for what you see as being pathetic and stupid? As I write this, I am reminded "see, this is how the enemy works...he shows you your shame and not God's grace".
So the better question is how do you bask in the glow of God's love and grace? Maybe it's that you acknowledge who God is and what he has done for you.
My God is a loving, awesome, gracious, kind, powerful, sovreign, omnipotent, joyful God. He sacrificed his only son for the sins he knew I would commit- anger, lust, revenge, jealousy, anxiousness, aggression- so that I could be with him in Heaven.
Father, Lord please open my heart and mind to what you want me to know. Let your spirit move in me to guide me to your grace of forgiveness and to forgive myself. You tell me that my sins are forgiven, yet it is hard for me to just let them go. Lord, please pry them from my hands. I don't like to feel this way and need your love to love me through this. Dear God please hold on to me through this phase even if I am not holding on to you. Amen.
By the end of Sunday night, I had mostly given up my resolve to "re-train my brain". After I posted, I ate some ice cream and went to bed. Monday I ate more than necessary at a pizza buffet, that night, I needlessly ate more food an hour after eating dinner. Tuesday, I partook in fried appetizers and an unhealthy pizza (oh yeah, that was after chineese for lunch). Today wasn't bad until tonight, then it was a KFC chicken snacker, sprite, baggie of chex mix, 1/3 slab of bbq ribs, beans, coleslaw, cornbread (all in less than a two hour time frame). I'm feeling disconnected from God and it's not all about food.
I was asked today if I had forgiven someone for something they did more than 8 years ago. No, I had not; then again, I had not forgiven myself for the choices I made in this situation either. Wow...enlightening to say the least. So what does it look like to forgive myself this "sin"? I don't know. I know every time I look back at it I am reminded of how stupid I was to allow myself to make the choice I did. I reminded of how weak I was to stand up for something I thought was important to me. That got me to thinking about every other time I chose to not stand up for what I thought was important to me, being frozen by fear that I might piss someone off or rock the boat. Pathetic. How do you forgive yourself for what you see as being pathetic and stupid? As I write this, I am reminded "see, this is how the enemy works...he shows you your shame and not God's grace".
So the better question is how do you bask in the glow of God's love and grace? Maybe it's that you acknowledge who God is and what he has done for you.
My God is a loving, awesome, gracious, kind, powerful, sovreign, omnipotent, joyful God. He sacrificed his only son for the sins he knew I would commit- anger, lust, revenge, jealousy, anxiousness, aggression- so that I could be with him in Heaven.
Father, Lord please open my heart and mind to what you want me to know. Let your spirit move in me to guide me to your grace of forgiveness and to forgive myself. You tell me that my sins are forgiven, yet it is hard for me to just let them go. Lord, please pry them from my hands. I don't like to feel this way and need your love to love me through this. Dear God please hold on to me through this phase even if I am not holding on to you. Amen.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
ughhh!!!
victory lost.
I just got done losing a battle with the enemy. My mind and spirit are tired and I gave in too easily to the tempting call of leftover birthday cake. If it were my own cake, I'd throw it away. But my man asked if he could get it on Monday and I, without thinking, said "sure, no problem". And it wasn't even a temptation until tonight when I went to go to bed. That's when my stomach started to growl and I realized that it had been over four hours since dinner and maybe a couple of my oatmeal, whole wheat, walnut, choc. chip, coconut cookies would not be a bad treat (made with mostly splenda I thought they can't be any worse than a fiber bar). But then I wanted something else and before I knew it the lies started swirling in my head..."just a couple of bites with no frosting...you did so well today...blah, blah, blah".
And now I realize, I've forgotten to pray for it today.
Lord, please help me to re-train my brain. Work in my heart and change my desires. Make my desire to know and love you #1, my desire to love myself #2, and my desire to love others #3 (not because I'm selfish, but because I'll have nothing to give others if I do not love myself as God loves me first). Lord, strengthen me in this battle of the mind and give me your wisdom, perseverance, and hope. I can not do this on my own and it is going to take a miracle for me to see success. But I put my hope in you Lord. Not in myself. My hope is in the Lord, my God who was and is and is to come. My hope is in you Lord as all things are possible with you and I can accomplish everything through you. Lord let it be you and your spirit that controls my heart, mind, body, desires and choices. You have given me so many blessings and overcome so many other struggles in my life, Lord, work through me to overcome this. Hear my heartfelt cries and do not forsake me to this sin. When I lift a fork to my mouth, let it be you who is carrying it there, and when the fork is being laid down, let it be you who puts it there. Show me Lord how to surrender this to you and how to re-train my brain. Show me Lord a different way. Show me Lord what you have in store for me and light a fire in my heart for this journey. Please God, please. You are a God of love able to do all things and I thank you for all that you have done. In Jesus' name, amen.
I just got done losing a battle with the enemy. My mind and spirit are tired and I gave in too easily to the tempting call of leftover birthday cake. If it were my own cake, I'd throw it away. But my man asked if he could get it on Monday and I, without thinking, said "sure, no problem". And it wasn't even a temptation until tonight when I went to go to bed. That's when my stomach started to growl and I realized that it had been over four hours since dinner and maybe a couple of my oatmeal, whole wheat, walnut, choc. chip, coconut cookies would not be a bad treat (made with mostly splenda I thought they can't be any worse than a fiber bar). But then I wanted something else and before I knew it the lies started swirling in my head..."just a couple of bites with no frosting...you did so well today...blah, blah, blah".
And now I realize, I've forgotten to pray for it today.
Lord, please help me to re-train my brain. Work in my heart and change my desires. Make my desire to know and love you #1, my desire to love myself #2, and my desire to love others #3 (not because I'm selfish, but because I'll have nothing to give others if I do not love myself as God loves me first). Lord, strengthen me in this battle of the mind and give me your wisdom, perseverance, and hope. I can not do this on my own and it is going to take a miracle for me to see success. But I put my hope in you Lord. Not in myself. My hope is in the Lord, my God who was and is and is to come. My hope is in you Lord as all things are possible with you and I can accomplish everything through you. Lord let it be you and your spirit that controls my heart, mind, body, desires and choices. You have given me so many blessings and overcome so many other struggles in my life, Lord, work through me to overcome this. Hear my heartfelt cries and do not forsake me to this sin. When I lift a fork to my mouth, let it be you who is carrying it there, and when the fork is being laid down, let it be you who puts it there. Show me Lord how to surrender this to you and how to re-train my brain. Show me Lord a different way. Show me Lord what you have in store for me and light a fire in my heart for this journey. Please God, please. You are a God of love able to do all things and I thank you for all that you have done. In Jesus' name, amen.
Fear- end of week 1!
There seems to be a couple of mighty messages swirling through the air in my neck of the woods over the last week. If you've read the posts from the last week maybe you have heard the messages yourself.
Re-train your brain. Your journey. Short, simple and sweet. Very complex.
These two messages have been spoken in my church, on the radio, in my devotionals, in my head, by respected mentors, and loved ones to me in the last week. All un-related, yet very much connected in their root. It seems as if God is trying to tell me something and I want to make sure I don't miss it.
From a very young age my brain has been trained to fear success. No, that is not a freudian slip, fear of success. It goes hand in hand with fear of failure. See, in my crazy head it works like this...my fear of attention starts in first, so I avoid doing things that draw attention. Then, if attention is unavoidable, I have this drive to make sure I do something perfect with no mistakes. By this time I am starting to think about what it will be like to succeed and start to get excited. Then the fear of success sets in as I start to worry about the attention that will bring, and then, what will change if I succeed. Seeing the process laid out, maybe the real root of the fear is change and the unknown. Everyone knows what failure brings. It brings either trying again or not trying again. But what does success bring? New expectations? New standards? New rules? New perceptions? No one knows for sure. And I am afraid of what I don't know.
Now, take this fear and blend it with the idea of trying to lose weight. How will my body change? Will my already less than breast become almost non-existent? How will I afford new clothes that fit right? What will happen to all of my excess skin? Will I have to change the style of clothes I wear or can I keep the styles I've come to know and love? What will people think? What kind of attention will it bring from others? Will people treat me different? And I don't want that. Any of it. I just want to a healthier version of myself that can wear a broader range of clothes. One that can jog for at least six blocks without stopping or feeling as if my body is shutting down.
Re-training my brain would mean re-training my brain to view success as opportunity. A chance to fit into clothes previously unavailable. Opportunity to wear bras made for women with smaller breast. Opportunity to wear different styles. Opportunity to feel the wind on my face as I jog a mile. Well, a half mile...closer to a third :). It would mean re-training my brain and heart to have more faith in a God that will take care of all the rest. I just do my part, which is to re-train my brain and crave things that are good for my body, mind and spirit. He will take care of the rest.
This part of the journey will be interesting to say the least. Already I am impressed with myself that I have stuck by this blog for the last week. I'm hoping this is God at work in me, my heart, and mind. A man I greatly respect once said "yes, but do you think you can come to a point where you can embrace your journey". That could be like asking someone highly allergic if they can embrace the bed of roses even with all the poison ivy. But I take it as whether I can don long armed gloves to protect me as I embrace the thorned roses. God is my protection for my heart. Not from everything, but from the things that I don't need to grow. And from the things I do need to grow, he will give me what I need for that.
As I start this next week, I want to embed this mantra into my brain so I hear it when I'm asleep, awake, and in between! "Re-train the brain...success is not the enemy, my fears are!".
Re-train your brain. Your journey. Short, simple and sweet. Very complex.
These two messages have been spoken in my church, on the radio, in my devotionals, in my head, by respected mentors, and loved ones to me in the last week. All un-related, yet very much connected in their root. It seems as if God is trying to tell me something and I want to make sure I don't miss it.
From a very young age my brain has been trained to fear success. No, that is not a freudian slip, fear of success. It goes hand in hand with fear of failure. See, in my crazy head it works like this...my fear of attention starts in first, so I avoid doing things that draw attention. Then, if attention is unavoidable, I have this drive to make sure I do something perfect with no mistakes. By this time I am starting to think about what it will be like to succeed and start to get excited. Then the fear of success sets in as I start to worry about the attention that will bring, and then, what will change if I succeed. Seeing the process laid out, maybe the real root of the fear is change and the unknown. Everyone knows what failure brings. It brings either trying again or not trying again. But what does success bring? New expectations? New standards? New rules? New perceptions? No one knows for sure. And I am afraid of what I don't know.
Now, take this fear and blend it with the idea of trying to lose weight. How will my body change? Will my already less than breast become almost non-existent? How will I afford new clothes that fit right? What will happen to all of my excess skin? Will I have to change the style of clothes I wear or can I keep the styles I've come to know and love? What will people think? What kind of attention will it bring from others? Will people treat me different? And I don't want that. Any of it. I just want to a healthier version of myself that can wear a broader range of clothes. One that can jog for at least six blocks without stopping or feeling as if my body is shutting down.
Re-training my brain would mean re-training my brain to view success as opportunity. A chance to fit into clothes previously unavailable. Opportunity to wear bras made for women with smaller breast. Opportunity to wear different styles. Opportunity to feel the wind on my face as I jog a mile. Well, a half mile...closer to a third :). It would mean re-training my brain and heart to have more faith in a God that will take care of all the rest. I just do my part, which is to re-train my brain and crave things that are good for my body, mind and spirit. He will take care of the rest.
This part of the journey will be interesting to say the least. Already I am impressed with myself that I have stuck by this blog for the last week. I'm hoping this is God at work in me, my heart, and mind. A man I greatly respect once said "yes, but do you think you can come to a point where you can embrace your journey". That could be like asking someone highly allergic if they can embrace the bed of roses even with all the poison ivy. But I take it as whether I can don long armed gloves to protect me as I embrace the thorned roses. God is my protection for my heart. Not from everything, but from the things that I don't need to grow. And from the things I do need to grow, he will give me what I need for that.
As I start this next week, I want to embed this mantra into my brain so I hear it when I'm asleep, awake, and in between! "Re-train the brain...success is not the enemy, my fears are!".
Saturday, August 22, 2009
God will forgive us and bless us- day 6
Let's just say I should definitely never work in a business where the product is food. I have found I enjoy baking somethings and decorating them as well. The problem here would be having access to baked goods. I made a birthday cake and decided to get all Martha Stewart about it. It was a double layered dark chocolate fudge cake with homemade frosting. If you have ever made a double layered cake you can imagine what the problem was...that's right, after sawing off the top of the cakes to make the cake even, I was left with pieces of cake that when folded over with a sampling of the homemade frosting resembled Hostess Suzie Q's. Well who's going to turn down that pretty sight! Apparently not me today. Before I realized it, I had eaten most of the sacrificed slices of cake with some frosting.
I am seriously considering going to the psychiatrist for my obsessive compulsive disorder (my own diagnosis) when it comes to food. There has to be some kind of medication for this. I had an otherwise good day with eating. Cereal for breakfast as I was too tired to mess with eggs, two leftover pieces of whole wheat pizza and some fruit/cottage cheese for lunch. For dinner I tried to compromise some and instead of getting the 1/2 rack of bbq ribs, I got a buffalo chicken salad. Oh and we had spinach artichoke dip and chips for an appetizer. If I've not indicated it before, I have given up soda pop so I drink water 99% of the time (there are occassions where I still like to have some pepsi).
And that is just the food part. Recently I have reconnected with my ex husband. It has been a struggle to not be physically intimate with him as I have decided to wait for marriage. We had a date tonight and it was amazing! A nice dinner, music, candlelight, talking, a girls dream night come true. Then it happened. A kiss lingered, then grew more passionate, then more "energized" and the next thing I knew we were in quite a position (fully clothed, but nonetheless). BASEBALL!!!!!! (that's our code word for "time to step away from the kissing becuase if we're not careful we'll go all the way to home plate"). I called baseball and then a split second later was back on 1 st base. Got to second before it got called again. I slinked off base and cried. God has amazing plans for me in my life, this area included. But I have to play by his rules to get the most out of it- if I don't I'm just cheating myself and losing something divinely created and planned. My heart sank as I realized, I just behaved in a way I regret and that is not God's plan for me. He does not want me to put myself in situations that I regret and that will hurt my heart. He has something better in store for me and I deserve that.
So far this weekend has highlighted areas of struggle for me that I need to seek God on. 1) baking- like doing it and enjoy the hobby, but can't control myself when the product is finished. 2) seeing weekend as a time to splurge and not be as diligent with food I eat. 3) playing baseball is fine as long as I never leave or go further than 1st base.
Good news for the day- I had an amazing evening with my God and my man. Thank you to Michael W. Smith for using your God given talent and singing to our hearts with God's music to reach our souls. God is amazing and working miracles all around us- if you don't believe, go look in the mirror, or outside, or in your childs eyes. He is here, are your inviting him in?
I am seriously considering going to the psychiatrist for my obsessive compulsive disorder (my own diagnosis) when it comes to food. There has to be some kind of medication for this. I had an otherwise good day with eating. Cereal for breakfast as I was too tired to mess with eggs, two leftover pieces of whole wheat pizza and some fruit/cottage cheese for lunch. For dinner I tried to compromise some and instead of getting the 1/2 rack of bbq ribs, I got a buffalo chicken salad. Oh and we had spinach artichoke dip and chips for an appetizer. If I've not indicated it before, I have given up soda pop so I drink water 99% of the time (there are occassions where I still like to have some pepsi).
And that is just the food part. Recently I have reconnected with my ex husband. It has been a struggle to not be physically intimate with him as I have decided to wait for marriage. We had a date tonight and it was amazing! A nice dinner, music, candlelight, talking, a girls dream night come true. Then it happened. A kiss lingered, then grew more passionate, then more "energized" and the next thing I knew we were in quite a position (fully clothed, but nonetheless). BASEBALL!!!!!! (that's our code word for "time to step away from the kissing becuase if we're not careful we'll go all the way to home plate"). I called baseball and then a split second later was back on 1 st base. Got to second before it got called again. I slinked off base and cried. God has amazing plans for me in my life, this area included. But I have to play by his rules to get the most out of it- if I don't I'm just cheating myself and losing something divinely created and planned. My heart sank as I realized, I just behaved in a way I regret and that is not God's plan for me. He does not want me to put myself in situations that I regret and that will hurt my heart. He has something better in store for me and I deserve that.
So far this weekend has highlighted areas of struggle for me that I need to seek God on. 1) baking- like doing it and enjoy the hobby, but can't control myself when the product is finished. 2) seeing weekend as a time to splurge and not be as diligent with food I eat. 3) playing baseball is fine as long as I never leave or go further than 1st base.
Good news for the day- I had an amazing evening with my God and my man. Thank you to Michael W. Smith for using your God given talent and singing to our hearts with God's music to reach our souls. God is amazing and working miracles all around us- if you don't believe, go look in the mirror, or outside, or in your childs eyes. He is here, are your inviting him in?
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