forgiveness- day 11

Where do I even begin...The enemy is on the attack searching for cracks in my wall and seeping his poisonous lies into my mind. Lies of shame, guilt, and unworthiness. Lies meant to breed doubt, isolation, and a disconnect from God. At first I really thought it was my cold, then my lack of energy from the cold, then my weariness of getting over the cold. Now I realize that the real culprit was me forgetting who my God is and what His love does for me.

By the end of Sunday night, I had mostly given up my resolve to "re-train my brain". After I posted, I ate some ice cream and went to bed. Monday I ate more than necessary at a pizza buffet, that night, I needlessly ate more food an hour after eating dinner. Tuesday, I partook in fried appetizers and an unhealthy pizza (oh yeah, that was after chineese for lunch). Today wasn't bad until tonight, then it was a KFC chicken snacker, sprite, baggie of chex mix, 1/3 slab of bbq ribs, beans, coleslaw, cornbread (all in less than a two hour time frame). I'm feeling disconnected from God and it's not all about food.

I was asked today if I had forgiven someone for something they did more than 8 years ago. No, I had not; then again, I had not forgiven myself for the choices I made in this situation either. Wow...enlightening to say the least. So what does it look like to forgive myself this "sin"? I don't know. I know every time I look back at it I am reminded of how stupid I was to allow myself to make the choice I did. I reminded of how weak I was to stand up for something I thought was important to me. That got me to thinking about every other time I chose to not stand up for what I thought was important to me, being frozen by fear that I might piss someone off or rock the boat. Pathetic. How do you forgive yourself for what you see as being pathetic and stupid? As I write this, I am reminded "see, this is how the enemy works...he shows you your shame and not God's grace".

So the better question is how do you bask in the glow of God's love and grace? Maybe it's that you acknowledge who God is and what he has done for you.

My God is a loving, awesome, gracious, kind, powerful, sovreign, omnipotent, joyful God. He sacrificed his only son for the sins he knew I would commit- anger, lust, revenge, jealousy, anxiousness, aggression- so that I could be with him in Heaven.

Father, Lord please open my heart and mind to what you want me to know. Let your spirit move in me to guide me to your grace of forgiveness and to forgive myself. You tell me that my sins are forgiven, yet it is hard for me to just let them go. Lord, please pry them from my hands. I don't like to feel this way and need your love to love me through this. Dear God please hold on to me through this phase even if I am not holding on to you. Amen.