Starting today

According to the advice on starting your own blog, no one is reading this right now...if ever. But for humor's sake, we'll say I'm writing to you. Yeah, you. The one sitting on the other side of this screen. The one I'm hoping has fairly low expectations for this blog being any other than what it is. And when I know what that is, you (yes, you) will be the second to know. ;)

Out of the millions of movie goers the last couple of weekends, I'm guessing that I am one of 1000's or 100's that felt inspired to begin blogging. So what makes my blog different? Me.

Not because I'm a celebrity. Not because I want to be a celebrity. Not because I've done something fantastic or invented anything. Because of the journey God has brought me on to discover who He designed me to be. A journey that began more than 30 years ago. A journey that continues today. This is a document of a particular leg of the trek.

In church this morning it struck me in a way that it had not before. "Inflaming" (i.e. fattening) myself with unhealthy foods for so many years, my body was trained to not process foods as God designed it to and due to that, as I tried to eat healthier, reduce calories and lose weight my body revolted convinced it still needed the unhealthier foods to survive- this is what happens to us as we feed ourselves unhealthy "food" in our lives through our t.v., music, websites, relationships, etc., it is harder to fight the cravings when we attempt to live healthier. This is the point that struck me: the key is re-training the body to recognize what is healthy and what is unhealthy. Re-training my body to persevere through the cravings and/or feeding it healthy options. Anyway...my point of this was that it made sense to me this morning. I have to re-train my brain and body to reclaim it for what God has planned for it. I have a theory. The reason I have always felt as if my body was not my own and that I felt so confused when I would look in the mirror was because it is not the body God intended me to have. Please don't get me wrong- God did not create me to be 110 and 5'7" with a medium build. I am 5'10" and my frame alone weighs 110. In my heart, I'm about 100 lbs lighter and 4-5 sizes smaller. This still puts me in the full figure class, but fit, active, and healthy. The problem- I can't do this on my own. And as I sat in church and asked God what was holding me back from giving this issue to Him and surrending to Him, His still quiet voice rang in my heart. I'm afraid that I will fail Him. I'm afraid will fail him and not do good enough for Him in this. It is a fear that outweighs any promise God gives me.

How can a girl afraid of failing her God possibly succeed and be worthy of His salvation?

A test of this came tonight. I came home from the movies slightly hungry (a 2 on the 10 scale) and instantly wanted to dip into the Mint Chocolate Chip and Mocha Almond Fudge ice creams in the freezer. My heart said "no", my mind said "no". My stomach asked "why not". This is where the rubber meets the road isn't it? So I came in to blog about it. I give my body's quest for something delicious and unhealthy to God and ask Jesus to walk, no- carry me through this craving. It feels uncomfortable and I know that in order to get through this journey without becoming Cruella I will need to daily ask the Holy Spirit to be in my heart and for God to give me a joyful heart through this transformation.

I am scared. What if it doesn't work? What if I fail Him? I am so tired of failing myself and failing God. I pray that God will strengthen me and fill me with his wisdom on this journey. Dear God please, let it be you and not me.