Fear- end of week 1!

There seems to be a couple of mighty messages swirling through the air in my neck of the woods over the last week. If you've read the posts from the last week maybe you have heard the messages yourself.

Re-train your brain. Your journey. Short, simple and sweet. Very complex.

These two messages have been spoken in my church, on the radio, in my devotionals, in my head, by respected mentors, and loved ones to me in the last week. All un-related, yet very much connected in their root. It seems as if God is trying to tell me something and I want to make sure I don't miss it.

From a very young age my brain has been trained to fear success. No, that is not a freudian slip, fear of success. It goes hand in hand with fear of failure. See, in my crazy head it works like this...my fear of attention starts in first, so I avoid doing things that draw attention. Then, if attention is unavoidable, I have this drive to make sure I do something perfect with no mistakes. By this time I am starting to think about what it will be like to succeed and start to get excited. Then the fear of success sets in as I start to worry about the attention that will bring, and then, what will change if I succeed. Seeing the process laid out, maybe the real root of the fear is change and the unknown. Everyone knows what failure brings. It brings either trying again or not trying again. But what does success bring? New expectations? New standards? New rules? New perceptions? No one knows for sure. And I am afraid of what I don't know.

Now, take this fear and blend it with the idea of trying to lose weight. How will my body change? Will my already less than breast become almost non-existent? How will I afford new clothes that fit right? What will happen to all of my excess skin? Will I have to change the style of clothes I wear or can I keep the styles I've come to know and love? What will people think? What kind of attention will it bring from others? Will people treat me different? And I don't want that. Any of it. I just want to a healthier version of myself that can wear a broader range of clothes. One that can jog for at least six blocks without stopping or feeling as if my body is shutting down.

Re-training my brain would mean re-training my brain to view success as opportunity. A chance to fit into clothes previously unavailable. Opportunity to wear bras made for women with smaller breast. Opportunity to wear different styles. Opportunity to feel the wind on my face as I jog a mile. Well, a half mile...closer to a third :). It would mean re-training my brain and heart to have more faith in a God that will take care of all the rest. I just do my part, which is to re-train my brain and crave things that are good for my body, mind and spirit. He will take care of the rest.

This part of the journey will be interesting to say the least. Already I am impressed with myself that I have stuck by this blog for the last week. I'm hoping this is God at work in me, my heart, and mind. A man I greatly respect once said "yes, but do you think you can come to a point where you can embrace your journey". That could be like asking someone highly allergic if they can embrace the bed of roses even with all the poison ivy. But I take it as whether I can don long armed gloves to protect me as I embrace the thorned roses. God is my protection for my heart. Not from everything, but from the things that I don't need to grow. And from the things I do need to grow, he will give me what I need for that.

As I start this next week, I want to embed this mantra into my brain so I hear it when I'm asleep, awake, and in between! "Re-train the brain...success is not the enemy, my fears are!".