I know, it's been a few days since my last post. No, nothing wrong, just a busy couple of days. Busy with activities and busy in my head.
God has been at work in my heart and in my life- praise him for how wonderfully thoughtful and providing he is. As I had written earlier, the struggle with food and sex have been more than just a distraction. They have been destructive attempts of the evil one to shatter my faith and hope in God's provision, love, and best interest of me. A God as loving and merciful as ours does not give us boundaries to keep us out, but keep us in his Grace and Love.
The struggle of having faith in God's provision is affecting my ability to set and maintain the boundaries he has given me to reconcile an old relationship. After having the opportunity to reconcile with this loved one, I then wanted to hold on for all it was worth and not let go of him...emotionally and physically. The desire to pursue ultimate intimacy with him was becoming more of a driving force than I care to let on and it was wrecking havoc on my soul- I found myself spiritually exhausted. God will provide that ultimate intimacy when he sees it is time. He has provided all along, he is not going to hand me back this gift and then say "No, you can never open it...just look at it and wish you could open it". He is saying "Here it is...all that I promised you for a Godly marriage. And when it is time, we will all open it together and rejoice in this beautiful gift I have given the two of you". Is it any suprise to anyone that I am such a control freak at times that I have an extensive history of spoiling suprises for myself? I do not want to repeat that pattern with this gift. I want to wait on the Lord and receive the gift in all of it's splendor. I do not want to ruin the sacredness or beauty of it just because I am impatient and can't take the wait!
So it is with food. I worry that I will go hungry. Now, to some, this is a legitimate concern, a daily worry and serious epidemic in our world. I am not one of those people affected. First, consider this; I weigh more than 275lbs. Second, I have food in my cupboard, fridge, table, counter top, and even in my car. Third, I would continue to have some sort of food to eat even if I did not go to the store for probably 3-4 weeks; not complete meals, but food of some kind that was not spoiled or expired. Fourth, when I do run out of food, I have the means to go out and get more because I have a job that provides me with an income that more than sustains me. Fifth, even if I did not have a job, I live in a country where I would be eligible for public aid and where we have grocery stores that accept this form of payment. Six, this is not counting the resources I would have through family and friends to help feed me should the need arise. Anyone else seeing a pattern? I am so extremely blessed!!! Yet, I mistake these blessings for being just living an ordinary life and this is what life is. It's food in the cupboard, a way to put food in cupboard, and having resources to get food even if I do not have the means myself. Talk about needing to re-train my brain!!!
God's provision is awesome. I had an experience of his provision this morning. Visiting my sisters in Minnesota over the weekends means that I miss going to church. I have attempted her church, however, it is not my cup of tea. This weekend, I decided to try a different church that they had both spoke of visiting. At first, I was a little suprised at how exhuberant the congregation were praising the Lord with hands held high, dancing in the pews, and rocking to the worship band (I did think to myself "I wonder how many cups of coffee it takes for everyone to get so jazzed this early in the day?"). Then the pastor started to speak. It was going to be his last sermon to give as associate pastor and he had spent the week thinking about what he was going to talk about. He took us to Revelation 3:14-22. After showing us the scripture, God opened his heart and the Pastor shared a bit of his story. After being divorced for two years, he and his wife reconciled and got remarried. My heart starting crying out to God thanking him for this man, this church, and this sermon. God saw what I needed and provided. Amazing. I spoke to the pastor and his wife after the service and shared with them my story.
Thank you God for your love, mercy and compassion showing through this beautiful couple and their story. Thank you God for providing a resource to perhaps walk through this with us as we continue on our journey of reconciling. I pray that what ever purpose you have for connecting us is fulfilled Lord and that you would use this connection for your glory. Lord thank you for your hope, promises, and faith to us. I love you and pray that I honor you in my choices as I continue on this journey. Thank you Lord, in Jesus name, Amen.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
forgiveness- day 11
Where do I even begin...The enemy is on the attack searching for cracks in my wall and seeping his poisonous lies into my mind. Lies of shame, guilt, and unworthiness. Lies meant to breed doubt, isolation, and a disconnect from God. At first I really thought it was my cold, then my lack of energy from the cold, then my weariness of getting over the cold. Now I realize that the real culprit was me forgetting who my God is and what His love does for me.
By the end of Sunday night, I had mostly given up my resolve to "re-train my brain". After I posted, I ate some ice cream and went to bed. Monday I ate more than necessary at a pizza buffet, that night, I needlessly ate more food an hour after eating dinner. Tuesday, I partook in fried appetizers and an unhealthy pizza (oh yeah, that was after chineese for lunch). Today wasn't bad until tonight, then it was a KFC chicken snacker, sprite, baggie of chex mix, 1/3 slab of bbq ribs, beans, coleslaw, cornbread (all in less than a two hour time frame). I'm feeling disconnected from God and it's not all about food.
I was asked today if I had forgiven someone for something they did more than 8 years ago. No, I had not; then again, I had not forgiven myself for the choices I made in this situation either. Wow...enlightening to say the least. So what does it look like to forgive myself this "sin"? I don't know. I know every time I look back at it I am reminded of how stupid I was to allow myself to make the choice I did. I reminded of how weak I was to stand up for something I thought was important to me. That got me to thinking about every other time I chose to not stand up for what I thought was important to me, being frozen by fear that I might piss someone off or rock the boat. Pathetic. How do you forgive yourself for what you see as being pathetic and stupid? As I write this, I am reminded "see, this is how the enemy works...he shows you your shame and not God's grace".
So the better question is how do you bask in the glow of God's love and grace? Maybe it's that you acknowledge who God is and what he has done for you.
My God is a loving, awesome, gracious, kind, powerful, sovreign, omnipotent, joyful God. He sacrificed his only son for the sins he knew I would commit- anger, lust, revenge, jealousy, anxiousness, aggression- so that I could be with him in Heaven.
Father, Lord please open my heart and mind to what you want me to know. Let your spirit move in me to guide me to your grace of forgiveness and to forgive myself. You tell me that my sins are forgiven, yet it is hard for me to just let them go. Lord, please pry them from my hands. I don't like to feel this way and need your love to love me through this. Dear God please hold on to me through this phase even if I am not holding on to you. Amen.
By the end of Sunday night, I had mostly given up my resolve to "re-train my brain". After I posted, I ate some ice cream and went to bed. Monday I ate more than necessary at a pizza buffet, that night, I needlessly ate more food an hour after eating dinner. Tuesday, I partook in fried appetizers and an unhealthy pizza (oh yeah, that was after chineese for lunch). Today wasn't bad until tonight, then it was a KFC chicken snacker, sprite, baggie of chex mix, 1/3 slab of bbq ribs, beans, coleslaw, cornbread (all in less than a two hour time frame). I'm feeling disconnected from God and it's not all about food.
I was asked today if I had forgiven someone for something they did more than 8 years ago. No, I had not; then again, I had not forgiven myself for the choices I made in this situation either. Wow...enlightening to say the least. So what does it look like to forgive myself this "sin"? I don't know. I know every time I look back at it I am reminded of how stupid I was to allow myself to make the choice I did. I reminded of how weak I was to stand up for something I thought was important to me. That got me to thinking about every other time I chose to not stand up for what I thought was important to me, being frozen by fear that I might piss someone off or rock the boat. Pathetic. How do you forgive yourself for what you see as being pathetic and stupid? As I write this, I am reminded "see, this is how the enemy works...he shows you your shame and not God's grace".
So the better question is how do you bask in the glow of God's love and grace? Maybe it's that you acknowledge who God is and what he has done for you.
My God is a loving, awesome, gracious, kind, powerful, sovreign, omnipotent, joyful God. He sacrificed his only son for the sins he knew I would commit- anger, lust, revenge, jealousy, anxiousness, aggression- so that I could be with him in Heaven.
Father, Lord please open my heart and mind to what you want me to know. Let your spirit move in me to guide me to your grace of forgiveness and to forgive myself. You tell me that my sins are forgiven, yet it is hard for me to just let them go. Lord, please pry them from my hands. I don't like to feel this way and need your love to love me through this. Dear God please hold on to me through this phase even if I am not holding on to you. Amen.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
ughhh!!!
victory lost.
I just got done losing a battle with the enemy. My mind and spirit are tired and I gave in too easily to the tempting call of leftover birthday cake. If it were my own cake, I'd throw it away. But my man asked if he could get it on Monday and I, without thinking, said "sure, no problem". And it wasn't even a temptation until tonight when I went to go to bed. That's when my stomach started to growl and I realized that it had been over four hours since dinner and maybe a couple of my oatmeal, whole wheat, walnut, choc. chip, coconut cookies would not be a bad treat (made with mostly splenda I thought they can't be any worse than a fiber bar). But then I wanted something else and before I knew it the lies started swirling in my head..."just a couple of bites with no frosting...you did so well today...blah, blah, blah".
And now I realize, I've forgotten to pray for it today.
Lord, please help me to re-train my brain. Work in my heart and change my desires. Make my desire to know and love you #1, my desire to love myself #2, and my desire to love others #3 (not because I'm selfish, but because I'll have nothing to give others if I do not love myself as God loves me first). Lord, strengthen me in this battle of the mind and give me your wisdom, perseverance, and hope. I can not do this on my own and it is going to take a miracle for me to see success. But I put my hope in you Lord. Not in myself. My hope is in the Lord, my God who was and is and is to come. My hope is in you Lord as all things are possible with you and I can accomplish everything through you. Lord let it be you and your spirit that controls my heart, mind, body, desires and choices. You have given me so many blessings and overcome so many other struggles in my life, Lord, work through me to overcome this. Hear my heartfelt cries and do not forsake me to this sin. When I lift a fork to my mouth, let it be you who is carrying it there, and when the fork is being laid down, let it be you who puts it there. Show me Lord how to surrender this to you and how to re-train my brain. Show me Lord a different way. Show me Lord what you have in store for me and light a fire in my heart for this journey. Please God, please. You are a God of love able to do all things and I thank you for all that you have done. In Jesus' name, amen.
I just got done losing a battle with the enemy. My mind and spirit are tired and I gave in too easily to the tempting call of leftover birthday cake. If it were my own cake, I'd throw it away. But my man asked if he could get it on Monday and I, without thinking, said "sure, no problem". And it wasn't even a temptation until tonight when I went to go to bed. That's when my stomach started to growl and I realized that it had been over four hours since dinner and maybe a couple of my oatmeal, whole wheat, walnut, choc. chip, coconut cookies would not be a bad treat (made with mostly splenda I thought they can't be any worse than a fiber bar). But then I wanted something else and before I knew it the lies started swirling in my head..."just a couple of bites with no frosting...you did so well today...blah, blah, blah".
And now I realize, I've forgotten to pray for it today.
Lord, please help me to re-train my brain. Work in my heart and change my desires. Make my desire to know and love you #1, my desire to love myself #2, and my desire to love others #3 (not because I'm selfish, but because I'll have nothing to give others if I do not love myself as God loves me first). Lord, strengthen me in this battle of the mind and give me your wisdom, perseverance, and hope. I can not do this on my own and it is going to take a miracle for me to see success. But I put my hope in you Lord. Not in myself. My hope is in the Lord, my God who was and is and is to come. My hope is in you Lord as all things are possible with you and I can accomplish everything through you. Lord let it be you and your spirit that controls my heart, mind, body, desires and choices. You have given me so many blessings and overcome so many other struggles in my life, Lord, work through me to overcome this. Hear my heartfelt cries and do not forsake me to this sin. When I lift a fork to my mouth, let it be you who is carrying it there, and when the fork is being laid down, let it be you who puts it there. Show me Lord how to surrender this to you and how to re-train my brain. Show me Lord a different way. Show me Lord what you have in store for me and light a fire in my heart for this journey. Please God, please. You are a God of love able to do all things and I thank you for all that you have done. In Jesus' name, amen.
Fear- end of week 1!
There seems to be a couple of mighty messages swirling through the air in my neck of the woods over the last week. If you've read the posts from the last week maybe you have heard the messages yourself.
Re-train your brain. Your journey. Short, simple and sweet. Very complex.
These two messages have been spoken in my church, on the radio, in my devotionals, in my head, by respected mentors, and loved ones to me in the last week. All un-related, yet very much connected in their root. It seems as if God is trying to tell me something and I want to make sure I don't miss it.
From a very young age my brain has been trained to fear success. No, that is not a freudian slip, fear of success. It goes hand in hand with fear of failure. See, in my crazy head it works like this...my fear of attention starts in first, so I avoid doing things that draw attention. Then, if attention is unavoidable, I have this drive to make sure I do something perfect with no mistakes. By this time I am starting to think about what it will be like to succeed and start to get excited. Then the fear of success sets in as I start to worry about the attention that will bring, and then, what will change if I succeed. Seeing the process laid out, maybe the real root of the fear is change and the unknown. Everyone knows what failure brings. It brings either trying again or not trying again. But what does success bring? New expectations? New standards? New rules? New perceptions? No one knows for sure. And I am afraid of what I don't know.
Now, take this fear and blend it with the idea of trying to lose weight. How will my body change? Will my already less than breast become almost non-existent? How will I afford new clothes that fit right? What will happen to all of my excess skin? Will I have to change the style of clothes I wear or can I keep the styles I've come to know and love? What will people think? What kind of attention will it bring from others? Will people treat me different? And I don't want that. Any of it. I just want to a healthier version of myself that can wear a broader range of clothes. One that can jog for at least six blocks without stopping or feeling as if my body is shutting down.
Re-training my brain would mean re-training my brain to view success as opportunity. A chance to fit into clothes previously unavailable. Opportunity to wear bras made for women with smaller breast. Opportunity to wear different styles. Opportunity to feel the wind on my face as I jog a mile. Well, a half mile...closer to a third :). It would mean re-training my brain and heart to have more faith in a God that will take care of all the rest. I just do my part, which is to re-train my brain and crave things that are good for my body, mind and spirit. He will take care of the rest.
This part of the journey will be interesting to say the least. Already I am impressed with myself that I have stuck by this blog for the last week. I'm hoping this is God at work in me, my heart, and mind. A man I greatly respect once said "yes, but do you think you can come to a point where you can embrace your journey". That could be like asking someone highly allergic if they can embrace the bed of roses even with all the poison ivy. But I take it as whether I can don long armed gloves to protect me as I embrace the thorned roses. God is my protection for my heart. Not from everything, but from the things that I don't need to grow. And from the things I do need to grow, he will give me what I need for that.
As I start this next week, I want to embed this mantra into my brain so I hear it when I'm asleep, awake, and in between! "Re-train the brain...success is not the enemy, my fears are!".
Re-train your brain. Your journey. Short, simple and sweet. Very complex.
These two messages have been spoken in my church, on the radio, in my devotionals, in my head, by respected mentors, and loved ones to me in the last week. All un-related, yet very much connected in their root. It seems as if God is trying to tell me something and I want to make sure I don't miss it.
From a very young age my brain has been trained to fear success. No, that is not a freudian slip, fear of success. It goes hand in hand with fear of failure. See, in my crazy head it works like this...my fear of attention starts in first, so I avoid doing things that draw attention. Then, if attention is unavoidable, I have this drive to make sure I do something perfect with no mistakes. By this time I am starting to think about what it will be like to succeed and start to get excited. Then the fear of success sets in as I start to worry about the attention that will bring, and then, what will change if I succeed. Seeing the process laid out, maybe the real root of the fear is change and the unknown. Everyone knows what failure brings. It brings either trying again or not trying again. But what does success bring? New expectations? New standards? New rules? New perceptions? No one knows for sure. And I am afraid of what I don't know.
Now, take this fear and blend it with the idea of trying to lose weight. How will my body change? Will my already less than breast become almost non-existent? How will I afford new clothes that fit right? What will happen to all of my excess skin? Will I have to change the style of clothes I wear or can I keep the styles I've come to know and love? What will people think? What kind of attention will it bring from others? Will people treat me different? And I don't want that. Any of it. I just want to a healthier version of myself that can wear a broader range of clothes. One that can jog for at least six blocks without stopping or feeling as if my body is shutting down.
Re-training my brain would mean re-training my brain to view success as opportunity. A chance to fit into clothes previously unavailable. Opportunity to wear bras made for women with smaller breast. Opportunity to wear different styles. Opportunity to feel the wind on my face as I jog a mile. Well, a half mile...closer to a third :). It would mean re-training my brain and heart to have more faith in a God that will take care of all the rest. I just do my part, which is to re-train my brain and crave things that are good for my body, mind and spirit. He will take care of the rest.
This part of the journey will be interesting to say the least. Already I am impressed with myself that I have stuck by this blog for the last week. I'm hoping this is God at work in me, my heart, and mind. A man I greatly respect once said "yes, but do you think you can come to a point where you can embrace your journey". That could be like asking someone highly allergic if they can embrace the bed of roses even with all the poison ivy. But I take it as whether I can don long armed gloves to protect me as I embrace the thorned roses. God is my protection for my heart. Not from everything, but from the things that I don't need to grow. And from the things I do need to grow, he will give me what I need for that.
As I start this next week, I want to embed this mantra into my brain so I hear it when I'm asleep, awake, and in between! "Re-train the brain...success is not the enemy, my fears are!".
Saturday, August 22, 2009
God will forgive us and bless us- day 6
Let's just say I should definitely never work in a business where the product is food. I have found I enjoy baking somethings and decorating them as well. The problem here would be having access to baked goods. I made a birthday cake and decided to get all Martha Stewart about it. It was a double layered dark chocolate fudge cake with homemade frosting. If you have ever made a double layered cake you can imagine what the problem was...that's right, after sawing off the top of the cakes to make the cake even, I was left with pieces of cake that when folded over with a sampling of the homemade frosting resembled Hostess Suzie Q's. Well who's going to turn down that pretty sight! Apparently not me today. Before I realized it, I had eaten most of the sacrificed slices of cake with some frosting.
I am seriously considering going to the psychiatrist for my obsessive compulsive disorder (my own diagnosis) when it comes to food. There has to be some kind of medication for this. I had an otherwise good day with eating. Cereal for breakfast as I was too tired to mess with eggs, two leftover pieces of whole wheat pizza and some fruit/cottage cheese for lunch. For dinner I tried to compromise some and instead of getting the 1/2 rack of bbq ribs, I got a buffalo chicken salad. Oh and we had spinach artichoke dip and chips for an appetizer. If I've not indicated it before, I have given up soda pop so I drink water 99% of the time (there are occassions where I still like to have some pepsi).
And that is just the food part. Recently I have reconnected with my ex husband. It has been a struggle to not be physically intimate with him as I have decided to wait for marriage. We had a date tonight and it was amazing! A nice dinner, music, candlelight, talking, a girls dream night come true. Then it happened. A kiss lingered, then grew more passionate, then more "energized" and the next thing I knew we were in quite a position (fully clothed, but nonetheless). BASEBALL!!!!!! (that's our code word for "time to step away from the kissing becuase if we're not careful we'll go all the way to home plate"). I called baseball and then a split second later was back on 1 st base. Got to second before it got called again. I slinked off base and cried. God has amazing plans for me in my life, this area included. But I have to play by his rules to get the most out of it- if I don't I'm just cheating myself and losing something divinely created and planned. My heart sank as I realized, I just behaved in a way I regret and that is not God's plan for me. He does not want me to put myself in situations that I regret and that will hurt my heart. He has something better in store for me and I deserve that.
So far this weekend has highlighted areas of struggle for me that I need to seek God on. 1) baking- like doing it and enjoy the hobby, but can't control myself when the product is finished. 2) seeing weekend as a time to splurge and not be as diligent with food I eat. 3) playing baseball is fine as long as I never leave or go further than 1st base.
Good news for the day- I had an amazing evening with my God and my man. Thank you to Michael W. Smith for using your God given talent and singing to our hearts with God's music to reach our souls. God is amazing and working miracles all around us- if you don't believe, go look in the mirror, or outside, or in your childs eyes. He is here, are your inviting him in?
I am seriously considering going to the psychiatrist for my obsessive compulsive disorder (my own diagnosis) when it comes to food. There has to be some kind of medication for this. I had an otherwise good day with eating. Cereal for breakfast as I was too tired to mess with eggs, two leftover pieces of whole wheat pizza and some fruit/cottage cheese for lunch. For dinner I tried to compromise some and instead of getting the 1/2 rack of bbq ribs, I got a buffalo chicken salad. Oh and we had spinach artichoke dip and chips for an appetizer. If I've not indicated it before, I have given up soda pop so I drink water 99% of the time (there are occassions where I still like to have some pepsi).
And that is just the food part. Recently I have reconnected with my ex husband. It has been a struggle to not be physically intimate with him as I have decided to wait for marriage. We had a date tonight and it was amazing! A nice dinner, music, candlelight, talking, a girls dream night come true. Then it happened. A kiss lingered, then grew more passionate, then more "energized" and the next thing I knew we were in quite a position (fully clothed, but nonetheless). BASEBALL!!!!!! (that's our code word for "time to step away from the kissing becuase if we're not careful we'll go all the way to home plate"). I called baseball and then a split second later was back on 1 st base. Got to second before it got called again. I slinked off base and cried. God has amazing plans for me in my life, this area included. But I have to play by his rules to get the most out of it- if I don't I'm just cheating myself and losing something divinely created and planned. My heart sank as I realized, I just behaved in a way I regret and that is not God's plan for me. He does not want me to put myself in situations that I regret and that will hurt my heart. He has something better in store for me and I deserve that.
So far this weekend has highlighted areas of struggle for me that I need to seek God on. 1) baking- like doing it and enjoy the hobby, but can't control myself when the product is finished. 2) seeing weekend as a time to splurge and not be as diligent with food I eat. 3) playing baseball is fine as long as I never leave or go further than 1st base.
Good news for the day- I had an amazing evening with my God and my man. Thank you to Michael W. Smith for using your God given talent and singing to our hearts with God's music to reach our souls. God is amazing and working miracles all around us- if you don't believe, go look in the mirror, or outside, or in your childs eyes. He is here, are your inviting him in?
Friday, August 21, 2009
struggling
Okay, I justed posted the previous post and am having a bad craving. I am feeling too tired to fight off the craving and am longing for the comfort of the ice cream.
Dear Lord,
This is not a silly little girl's request to not eat the ice cream. It is your daughter crying out to you in frustration for the strength, courage, and perseverance to re-train her brain. I do not want to go backwards from where I have come. I do not want to undo any of the victories you have fought for me this week and give in to the lies the enemy is telling me. Lord, grace me with your strength to re-train my brain and body to want what is right and good for me. Lord give me a heart to appreciate what I have and to let go of this idea that I am losing out on something. Lord give me a heart to appreciate the choice I have made to walk this journey with you as my guide. A heart to embrace this journey Lord. Lord take these cravings and nail them to the cross with my sins and forgive me. In your precious name, Amen.
Dear Lord,
This is not a silly little girl's request to not eat the ice cream. It is your daughter crying out to you in frustration for the strength, courage, and perseverance to re-train her brain. I do not want to go backwards from where I have come. I do not want to undo any of the victories you have fought for me this week and give in to the lies the enemy is telling me. Lord, grace me with your strength to re-train my brain and body to want what is right and good for me. Lord give me a heart to appreciate what I have and to let go of this idea that I am losing out on something. Lord give me a heart to appreciate the choice I have made to walk this journey with you as my guide. A heart to embrace this journey Lord. Lord take these cravings and nail them to the cross with my sins and forgive me. In your precious name, Amen.
Not another weekend- day 5
Bear with me as I wind down from the week still suffering nasal congestion and a scratchy throat. My mind seems to be somewhere in that fuddled mess and unable to put much effort into my thoughts on food, God, being who he created me to be, and victories. Instead my mind has been struggling with wanting that which I am re-training my mind and body to not crave: chocolate, ice cream, dessert, chips, and something crunchy/salty/sweet/chocolately.
As I sat in my office earlier, the old familar feeling and thoughts started. It's the weekend and what am I going to treat myself to. Especially since the cough drops and cough syrup are just not doing it for me. I had read once that the weekends are the biggest struggle for many of those trying to eat better, diet, or lose weight. It's comforting to know that I am not the only person that falls victim to Satan's lies that I did so well this week that it's okay to splurge and reward myself on the weekend. Now, in the last four years, I have typically gone a little softer with the food on the weekends and had that be my time for pizza and I do believe that it is okay to trade foods for other foods (i.e. if I want to have pancakes for breakfast, then my meal the night before should be lighter and if I eat a big breakfast, it should last me until dinner with an apple or fruit for a snack). However, it becomes very self defeating when I am rewarding good eating habits with food treats! I wonder, would this ever work for alcoholics seeking recovery and maintaining sobriety? "I didn't drink all week so I'll let myself have three drinks this weekend and then go back to no drinking next week". I don't forsee any treatment centers and 12 step groups adopting that theory anytime soon.
This weekend is a loved one's birthday, and my plan is to enjoy a piece of birthday cake or birthday pie. And so far, I do not have a plan for how to go about re-training my thoughts about it. I fear that as soon as I bite into the delicious piece of birthday treat (no matter what it is) I will soon look as though I am Animal's sister in a feeding frenzy (Animal from the muppets). So I plan I shall make!
Saturday morning- Eggs, bacon, whole grain waffle
lunch- ham sandwich, fruit
dinner- undecided, but as healthy as possible
dessert- birthday treat
Sunday morning- fruit
lunch- sandwich, fruit, pretzels
dinner- chicken salad
snack- popcorn
Now- all I have to do is retrain my brain that no matter what, this is the plan!!!
As I sat in my office earlier, the old familar feeling and thoughts started. It's the weekend and what am I going to treat myself to. Especially since the cough drops and cough syrup are just not doing it for me. I had read once that the weekends are the biggest struggle for many of those trying to eat better, diet, or lose weight. It's comforting to know that I am not the only person that falls victim to Satan's lies that I did so well this week that it's okay to splurge and reward myself on the weekend. Now, in the last four years, I have typically gone a little softer with the food on the weekends and had that be my time for pizza and I do believe that it is okay to trade foods for other foods (i.e. if I want to have pancakes for breakfast, then my meal the night before should be lighter and if I eat a big breakfast, it should last me until dinner with an apple or fruit for a snack). However, it becomes very self defeating when I am rewarding good eating habits with food treats! I wonder, would this ever work for alcoholics seeking recovery and maintaining sobriety? "I didn't drink all week so I'll let myself have three drinks this weekend and then go back to no drinking next week". I don't forsee any treatment centers and 12 step groups adopting that theory anytime soon.
This weekend is a loved one's birthday, and my plan is to enjoy a piece of birthday cake or birthday pie. And so far, I do not have a plan for how to go about re-training my thoughts about it. I fear that as soon as I bite into the delicious piece of birthday treat (no matter what it is) I will soon look as though I am Animal's sister in a feeding frenzy (Animal from the muppets). So I plan I shall make!
Saturday morning- Eggs, bacon, whole grain waffle
lunch- ham sandwich, fruit
dinner- undecided, but as healthy as possible
dessert- birthday treat
Sunday morning- fruit
lunch- sandwich, fruit, pretzels
dinner- chicken salad
snack- popcorn
Now- all I have to do is retrain my brain that no matter what, this is the plan!!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
The enemy- day 4
I've got to say this head cold is kicking my rear end, and, quite honestly, giving Satan an opportunity to crawl into the crack. Since being sick, I want nothing more than my comfort food. Which right now is my throat begging for the darned ice cream in the freezer with a crumpled up sugar cone on top! Though, now that I think about it, milk products would only add to the problem in the back of my throat as my sinuses drain (I know, gross, right?). But I continue to persevere as God walks me through this week.
Food can not be my enemy as God has given us food to nourish our bodies and even our hearts. So then what is the "enemy" when you feel tempted by food? Is it our grandmothers and mothers before who would say "do you want some more?", or "If you ____ we'll go get ice cream"? Is it our insecurities we try to hide? Or maybe it's our cultures trend toward fast, fat and easy.
My enemy sits with me in the evening. Beginning around 5 pm, the enemy starts drawing near. The tired drag of my feet, head full of thoughts/worries/tidbits from the day, growling stomach, and end of the day anxiety awaits me with thoughts of "HUNGRY- MUST EAT NOW". And then it's a race to get food in my mouth. It's grabbing the first thing easy to pop in my mouth. It's fixing something to eat before I start fixing something to eat. It's insane. And I need to ask God to help me lose that anxiety before it kills me. Literally.
So what's your enemy?
Food can not be my enemy as God has given us food to nourish our bodies and even our hearts. So then what is the "enemy" when you feel tempted by food? Is it our grandmothers and mothers before who would say "do you want some more?", or "If you ____ we'll go get ice cream"? Is it our insecurities we try to hide? Or maybe it's our cultures trend toward fast, fat and easy.
My enemy sits with me in the evening. Beginning around 5 pm, the enemy starts drawing near. The tired drag of my feet, head full of thoughts/worries/tidbits from the day, growling stomach, and end of the day anxiety awaits me with thoughts of "HUNGRY- MUST EAT NOW". And then it's a race to get food in my mouth. It's grabbing the first thing easy to pop in my mouth. It's fixing something to eat before I start fixing something to eat. It's insane. And I need to ask God to help me lose that anxiety before it kills me. Literally.
So what's your enemy?
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Oops
Today wasn't the greatest day, but it by far was not the worst.
My lunch was fairly healthy and well balanced, but after lunch I had 1/2 chicken lip (if you don't know what those are, you are so missing out on the greatest buffalo chicken strip ever!!). Then came the 3pm snack time and I bought a bag of pretzels, which was better than some other options, however, 1/2 through the bag I realized I had just eaten 2 servings at about 100 calories each. Oh well, came home and had leftovers from last night. I'm not feeling well though today so comfort food cravings are kicking in high gear. I compromised and fixed a cup of decaf coffee with a fair amount of french vanilla creamer in it and about 10 whole grain wheat things with a small drop of honey on them (not sure about the nutritional factor, but I figure God gave us honey as a natural sweetner and whole grain wheat so it was definitely better than the ice cream still sitting in my freezer or the marshmallows calling out to me that they need a micro tan for a smore!).
All in all, just not feeling well and it's hard to give my attention to God or anything else right now. I pray that God understand and give me some relief tonight so I rest well and can be alert tomorrow.
Victory for the day- went to the grocery store on the way home and got myself a couple of apples, cut up watermelon, and am prepared for snack attacks tomorrow!
God Bless the journey and every victory on the way!
Sara
My lunch was fairly healthy and well balanced, but after lunch I had 1/2 chicken lip (if you don't know what those are, you are so missing out on the greatest buffalo chicken strip ever!!). Then came the 3pm snack time and I bought a bag of pretzels, which was better than some other options, however, 1/2 through the bag I realized I had just eaten 2 servings at about 100 calories each. Oh well, came home and had leftovers from last night. I'm not feeling well though today so comfort food cravings are kicking in high gear. I compromised and fixed a cup of decaf coffee with a fair amount of french vanilla creamer in it and about 10 whole grain wheat things with a small drop of honey on them (not sure about the nutritional factor, but I figure God gave us honey as a natural sweetner and whole grain wheat so it was definitely better than the ice cream still sitting in my freezer or the marshmallows calling out to me that they need a micro tan for a smore!).
All in all, just not feeling well and it's hard to give my attention to God or anything else right now. I pray that God understand and give me some relief tonight so I rest well and can be alert tomorrow.
Victory for the day- went to the grocery store on the way home and got myself a couple of apples, cut up watermelon, and am prepared for snack attacks tomorrow!
God Bless the journey and every victory on the way!
Sara
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Third night in
I learned today that not all of my food habits are bad. This was very reassuring. Don't get me wrong, this is still a battle I can't win. But, it is nice to know that the efforts to change my eating habits over the last four years have been on the right track...wait a minute.
Four years! In 2005 (March) is when I began eating better. I stopped frying foods, cut back on my carbs, began eating more whole grains, fruit, vegetables, grilled meat (even in winter). I stopped going to fast food joints for quick meals and when I did start to go back, I got salads. I began exercisinig 3 times a week. And it's been four years of successfull lifestyle eating changes. Unbelievable.
Time to begin showing appreciation for what I do have.
1. 4 years of successful lifestyle changes with food and exercising.
2. A change of thinking when it comes to food and being healthy- regardless of how I do, I have changed the way I think of food and do continue to pay more attention to what I am eating and the ingredients.
3. I have people around me that understand my struggle and support me.
4. God has given me good health.
5. I have the financial means to eat healthier, go to a gym and this spring I bought a bike that I have ridden on average 3 miles a day about 3-4 days a week.
6. A great neighborhood to go for bike rides and walks.
7. Terrific weather this summer that made we want to be outside as much as I could be.
8. A desire to eat better, feel better, and live better.
9. God's love and willingness to carry me through whatever I ask him to.
10. Repeat number 9!
oh yeah- today's eating was not too bad. I made compromises in my eating so it was not a bad food day at all. Eggs, bacon, 1 1/2 pancakes, 1/2 order of hashbrowns for a late breakfast. Went swimming, had an apple, wheat thins and 2 thin slices of co-jack cheese. Dinner was a delicious flat iron steak, rice pilaf, brocoli/cauliflower/carrots, salad. Grant it, again I started to anxious while I was eating, but worked through it, did the dishes right after dinner and asked my love to put away the leftovers for me. Oh...and I left a bite of food on my plate after starting off with less food on my plate to begin with.
thank you God for another victory. I pray for victory tonight as I fear wanting to eat for a substitute for sex, or worse, will have sex to substitute not eating. When you read this, please pray for me that I don't do either!
Four years! In 2005 (March) is when I began eating better. I stopped frying foods, cut back on my carbs, began eating more whole grains, fruit, vegetables, grilled meat (even in winter). I stopped going to fast food joints for quick meals and when I did start to go back, I got salads. I began exercisinig 3 times a week. And it's been four years of successfull lifestyle eating changes. Unbelievable.
Time to begin showing appreciation for what I do have.
1. 4 years of successful lifestyle changes with food and exercising.
2. A change of thinking when it comes to food and being healthy- regardless of how I do, I have changed the way I think of food and do continue to pay more attention to what I am eating and the ingredients.
3. I have people around me that understand my struggle and support me.
4. God has given me good health.
5. I have the financial means to eat healthier, go to a gym and this spring I bought a bike that I have ridden on average 3 miles a day about 3-4 days a week.
6. A great neighborhood to go for bike rides and walks.
7. Terrific weather this summer that made we want to be outside as much as I could be.
8. A desire to eat better, feel better, and live better.
9. God's love and willingness to carry me through whatever I ask him to.
10. Repeat number 9!
oh yeah- today's eating was not too bad. I made compromises in my eating so it was not a bad food day at all. Eggs, bacon, 1 1/2 pancakes, 1/2 order of hashbrowns for a late breakfast. Went swimming, had an apple, wheat thins and 2 thin slices of co-jack cheese. Dinner was a delicious flat iron steak, rice pilaf, brocoli/cauliflower/carrots, salad. Grant it, again I started to anxious while I was eating, but worked through it, did the dishes right after dinner and asked my love to put away the leftovers for me. Oh...and I left a bite of food on my plate after starting off with less food on my plate to begin with.
thank you God for another victory. I pray for victory tonight as I fear wanting to eat for a substitute for sex, or worse, will have sex to substitute not eating. When you read this, please pray for me that I don't do either!
Monday, August 17, 2009
24 hours down!
Tonight was another victory. If it wasn't for my fear that this won't last, I would be happier. Perhaps now is the time to be thankful for my blessing that the first 24 is over and God is keeping me with a humble heart.
Dinner was good, I did eat everything on my plate, but I started out with less food on my plate than usual. Here's what I noticed...As I'm sitting with a plate mostly full of food (one bratwurst-grant it not the best, but...-, homemade mac'n'cheese- less fat and high fiber pasta-, mixed greens salad with grape tomatoes, and brocoli/ cauliflower mix) I found myself starting to worry somewhat anxiously about this being all the food I was going to eat. I know, how selfish. How can someone look at that much food (and it was a lot) and worry about that being all they were going to eat. My brain was focused on what I wasn't going to get instead of what I had right in front of me.
Let's say that one more time...I was focused more on what I was going to miss rather than focusing on all that was before me.
wow. God please give me a eyes, ears, mind, body, soul and heart to appreciate what I have. Give me a heart to see how full my life is.
Earlier today I was meeting with a young lady I have known for about four years. I am especially fond of this young lady and she sparks in me my mother's extinct. We were discussing her plans for college and looking at classes she wants to take when she asked me if I had children. I told her no and she proceeded to ask why not...My heart both smiled and shed a tear as I thought of how best to answer her. "No...it just hasn't been in the cards for me as of yet...maybe someday...you never know". It just didn't feel right to admit that yes, I have children. Two beautiful babies await me with Our Father at their side. And while I've never met them, we will know one another intimately when the time comes and we are face to face. For now I live knowing in my heart I am a mother to two someone specials and have been blessed with the opportunity to share my motherly love with the kids I've been blessed to know and serve. I pray that someday I can believe myself in my heart when I talk about these blessings.
Again, I pray for God to change my heart so that I may count only my blessings and focus only on these things given to me by the Grace of God.
In the meantime, must remember there is no hope in the mint chocolate chip or mocha almond fudge ice cream that sits in the freezer. Hope that my hope in the Lord will crush that craving!
Dinner was good, I did eat everything on my plate, but I started out with less food on my plate than usual. Here's what I noticed...As I'm sitting with a plate mostly full of food (one bratwurst-grant it not the best, but...-, homemade mac'n'cheese- less fat and high fiber pasta-, mixed greens salad with grape tomatoes, and brocoli/ cauliflower mix) I found myself starting to worry somewhat anxiously about this being all the food I was going to eat. I know, how selfish. How can someone look at that much food (and it was a lot) and worry about that being all they were going to eat. My brain was focused on what I wasn't going to get instead of what I had right in front of me.
Let's say that one more time...I was focused more on what I was going to miss rather than focusing on all that was before me.
wow. God please give me a eyes, ears, mind, body, soul and heart to appreciate what I have. Give me a heart to see how full my life is.
Earlier today I was meeting with a young lady I have known for about four years. I am especially fond of this young lady and she sparks in me my mother's extinct. We were discussing her plans for college and looking at classes she wants to take when she asked me if I had children. I told her no and she proceeded to ask why not...My heart both smiled and shed a tear as I thought of how best to answer her. "No...it just hasn't been in the cards for me as of yet...maybe someday...you never know". It just didn't feel right to admit that yes, I have children. Two beautiful babies await me with Our Father at their side. And while I've never met them, we will know one another intimately when the time comes and we are face to face. For now I live knowing in my heart I am a mother to two someone specials and have been blessed with the opportunity to share my motherly love with the kids I've been blessed to know and serve. I pray that someday I can believe myself in my heart when I talk about these blessings.
Again, I pray for God to change my heart so that I may count only my blessings and focus only on these things given to me by the Grace of God.
In the meantime, must remember there is no hope in the mint chocolate chip or mocha almond fudge ice cream that sits in the freezer. Hope that my hope in the Lord will crush that craving!
blessings
It's the mentality and thought processes we go through that need to change in order to experience success with a lifestyle change. I'm hoping by posting somewhat frequently, I will be holding myself accountable more consistently.
Today went well so far. Lunch was good and I did not eat everything on my plate. That's right, leaving chip crumbs I otherwise would have found a way to inhale on my plate to throw away does constitute leaving food on my plate. I am counting every crumb not eaten as a victory and looking forward to increasing the size of my victory's. And then approximately ten minutes after lunch I met my second victory. That's right, I stood face to face with a toasted perfectly pepperoni pizza roll that literally seemed to sing my name and I turned away in determination. I walked past the tray of toasted pizza delights while laying the remains of my lunch to waste and looked the other way. Success!! The third victory came three hours later when my stomach began to whisper for a snack. Having packed accordingly this morning, I knew I had an apple waiting for me, but as I approached "snack time" cinnamon toast popcorn what my stomach was longing for. Blessed for me, the popcorn shop was closed, but then there were the animal crackers saying "Pick me- we're tasty, and we're not that bad" and it happened. I listened to my head and not my stomach and ate my apple.
For me the taste of victory was that delicious fuji apple as I crunched and munched it down to the core!
Now I just have to get through dinner :)
Today went well so far. Lunch was good and I did not eat everything on my plate. That's right, leaving chip crumbs I otherwise would have found a way to inhale on my plate to throw away does constitute leaving food on my plate. I am counting every crumb not eaten as a victory and looking forward to increasing the size of my victory's. And then approximately ten minutes after lunch I met my second victory. That's right, I stood face to face with a toasted perfectly pepperoni pizza roll that literally seemed to sing my name and I turned away in determination. I walked past the tray of toasted pizza delights while laying the remains of my lunch to waste and looked the other way. Success!! The third victory came three hours later when my stomach began to whisper for a snack. Having packed accordingly this morning, I knew I had an apple waiting for me, but as I approached "snack time" cinnamon toast popcorn what my stomach was longing for. Blessed for me, the popcorn shop was closed, but then there were the animal crackers saying "Pick me- we're tasty, and we're not that bad" and it happened. I listened to my head and not my stomach and ate my apple.
For me the taste of victory was that delicious fuji apple as I crunched and munched it down to the core!
Now I just have to get through dinner :)
The morning after
I feel as if this journey is going to take a lot out of me. I guess that's a good thing and kind of the point though. To take a lot of the "bad" in me, out of me, and replace it with something better. Something God has in store for me.
Every morning I read a devotional I recieve in an email. This morning talked about a woman who felt God nudge her to stop watching a particular t.v. show and her disobedience to Him in this request. She indicated feeling as if it was really okay to watch the show because it wasn't hurting anyone and it didn't influence anyone negatively. She later learned that it was influencing her and God was asking her to give it up as he wanted to prepare her for something coming up. One of the things I love about my devotionals is that I believe God works in majestical ways and places what I need to hear Him say right in front of me. As I read the devotional I felt God affirming me that He has something in store for me and giving up my cravings/need for things that are unhealthy are part of the process of preparing me.
This would not be the first time God sought to prepare me for something greater through a difficult struggle. And each time I persevered through those struggles with God carrying and walking me through each step and was blessed to experience the beauty of the other side. So after experiencing God's blessings of growth, why do I continue to be hesitant and immediately want to cry out "Isn't there an esier way?". Can't I just wake up tomorrow and suddenly have no taste buds for anything other than health food? Or lose my sense of smell and taste for three months while I re-train my brain and body to need and crave health foods? But there is something about struggles that give us something more, something more lasting than an immediate fix. It trains us in perseverance, builds character, strengthens us and makes us more Christ-like. LOL...I am now remembering Christ's cry to His Father asking Him to take "this cup" and if there wasn't another way. But Christ had to die. Such as I have to die to this issue to allow God to resurrect me as the person he created me to be. Thinking of it that way is a very inspiring thought...hopefully God prompts my heart and stomach to follow suit and inspires them as well, because honestly, a big bowl of Sugar Smacks is sounding good right about now!
Every morning I read a devotional I recieve in an email. This morning talked about a woman who felt God nudge her to stop watching a particular t.v. show and her disobedience to Him in this request. She indicated feeling as if it was really okay to watch the show because it wasn't hurting anyone and it didn't influence anyone negatively. She later learned that it was influencing her and God was asking her to give it up as he wanted to prepare her for something coming up. One of the things I love about my devotionals is that I believe God works in majestical ways and places what I need to hear Him say right in front of me. As I read the devotional I felt God affirming me that He has something in store for me and giving up my cravings/need for things that are unhealthy are part of the process of preparing me.
This would not be the first time God sought to prepare me for something greater through a difficult struggle. And each time I persevered through those struggles with God carrying and walking me through each step and was blessed to experience the beauty of the other side. So after experiencing God's blessings of growth, why do I continue to be hesitant and immediately want to cry out "Isn't there an esier way?". Can't I just wake up tomorrow and suddenly have no taste buds for anything other than health food? Or lose my sense of smell and taste for three months while I re-train my brain and body to need and crave health foods? But there is something about struggles that give us something more, something more lasting than an immediate fix. It trains us in perseverance, builds character, strengthens us and makes us more Christ-like. LOL...I am now remembering Christ's cry to His Father asking Him to take "this cup" and if there wasn't another way. But Christ had to die. Such as I have to die to this issue to allow God to resurrect me as the person he created me to be. Thinking of it that way is a very inspiring thought...hopefully God prompts my heart and stomach to follow suit and inspires them as well, because honestly, a big bowl of Sugar Smacks is sounding good right about now!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Starting today
According to the advice on starting your own blog, no one is reading this right now...if ever. But for humor's sake, we'll say I'm writing to you. Yeah, you. The one sitting on the other side of this screen. The one I'm hoping has fairly low expectations for this blog being any other than what it is. And when I know what that is, you (yes, you) will be the second to know. ;)
Out of the millions of movie goers the last couple of weekends, I'm guessing that I am one of 1000's or 100's that felt inspired to begin blogging. So what makes my blog different? Me.
Not because I'm a celebrity. Not because I want to be a celebrity. Not because I've done something fantastic or invented anything. Because of the journey God has brought me on to discover who He designed me to be. A journey that began more than 30 years ago. A journey that continues today. This is a document of a particular leg of the trek.
In church this morning it struck me in a way that it had not before. "Inflaming" (i.e. fattening) myself with unhealthy foods for so many years, my body was trained to not process foods as God designed it to and due to that, as I tried to eat healthier, reduce calories and lose weight my body revolted convinced it still needed the unhealthier foods to survive- this is what happens to us as we feed ourselves unhealthy "food" in our lives through our t.v., music, websites, relationships, etc., it is harder to fight the cravings when we attempt to live healthier. This is the point that struck me: the key is re-training the body to recognize what is healthy and what is unhealthy. Re-training my body to persevere through the cravings and/or feeding it healthy options. Anyway...my point of this was that it made sense to me this morning. I have to re-train my brain and body to reclaim it for what God has planned for it. I have a theory. The reason I have always felt as if my body was not my own and that I felt so confused when I would look in the mirror was because it is not the body God intended me to have. Please don't get me wrong- God did not create me to be 110 and 5'7" with a medium build. I am 5'10" and my frame alone weighs 110. In my heart, I'm about 100 lbs lighter and 4-5 sizes smaller. This still puts me in the full figure class, but fit, active, and healthy. The problem- I can't do this on my own. And as I sat in church and asked God what was holding me back from giving this issue to Him and surrending to Him, His still quiet voice rang in my heart. I'm afraid that I will fail Him. I'm afraid will fail him and not do good enough for Him in this. It is a fear that outweighs any promise God gives me.
How can a girl afraid of failing her God possibly succeed and be worthy of His salvation?
A test of this came tonight. I came home from the movies slightly hungry (a 2 on the 10 scale) and instantly wanted to dip into the Mint Chocolate Chip and Mocha Almond Fudge ice creams in the freezer. My heart said "no", my mind said "no". My stomach asked "why not". This is where the rubber meets the road isn't it? So I came in to blog about it. I give my body's quest for something delicious and unhealthy to God and ask Jesus to walk, no- carry me through this craving. It feels uncomfortable and I know that in order to get through this journey without becoming Cruella I will need to daily ask the Holy Spirit to be in my heart and for God to give me a joyful heart through this transformation.
I am scared. What if it doesn't work? What if I fail Him? I am so tired of failing myself and failing God. I pray that God will strengthen me and fill me with his wisdom on this journey. Dear God please, let it be you and not me.
Out of the millions of movie goers the last couple of weekends, I'm guessing that I am one of 1000's or 100's that felt inspired to begin blogging. So what makes my blog different? Me.
Not because I'm a celebrity. Not because I want to be a celebrity. Not because I've done something fantastic or invented anything. Because of the journey God has brought me on to discover who He designed me to be. A journey that began more than 30 years ago. A journey that continues today. This is a document of a particular leg of the trek.
In church this morning it struck me in a way that it had not before. "Inflaming" (i.e. fattening) myself with unhealthy foods for so many years, my body was trained to not process foods as God designed it to and due to that, as I tried to eat healthier, reduce calories and lose weight my body revolted convinced it still needed the unhealthier foods to survive- this is what happens to us as we feed ourselves unhealthy "food" in our lives through our t.v., music, websites, relationships, etc., it is harder to fight the cravings when we attempt to live healthier. This is the point that struck me: the key is re-training the body to recognize what is healthy and what is unhealthy. Re-training my body to persevere through the cravings and/or feeding it healthy options. Anyway...my point of this was that it made sense to me this morning. I have to re-train my brain and body to reclaim it for what God has planned for it. I have a theory. The reason I have always felt as if my body was not my own and that I felt so confused when I would look in the mirror was because it is not the body God intended me to have. Please don't get me wrong- God did not create me to be 110 and 5'7" with a medium build. I am 5'10" and my frame alone weighs 110. In my heart, I'm about 100 lbs lighter and 4-5 sizes smaller. This still puts me in the full figure class, but fit, active, and healthy. The problem- I can't do this on my own. And as I sat in church and asked God what was holding me back from giving this issue to Him and surrending to Him, His still quiet voice rang in my heart. I'm afraid that I will fail Him. I'm afraid will fail him and not do good enough for Him in this. It is a fear that outweighs any promise God gives me.
How can a girl afraid of failing her God possibly succeed and be worthy of His salvation?
A test of this came tonight. I came home from the movies slightly hungry (a 2 on the 10 scale) and instantly wanted to dip into the Mint Chocolate Chip and Mocha Almond Fudge ice creams in the freezer. My heart said "no", my mind said "no". My stomach asked "why not". This is where the rubber meets the road isn't it? So I came in to blog about it. I give my body's quest for something delicious and unhealthy to God and ask Jesus to walk, no- carry me through this craving. It feels uncomfortable and I know that in order to get through this journey without becoming Cruella I will need to daily ask the Holy Spirit to be in my heart and for God to give me a joyful heart through this transformation.
I am scared. What if it doesn't work? What if I fail Him? I am so tired of failing myself and failing God. I pray that God will strengthen me and fill me with his wisdom on this journey. Dear God please, let it be you and not me.
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